i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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