It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
