she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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