Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize