she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
