I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
