I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
