he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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