It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
