That's when you crack a 10am beer
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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