Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I believe in your delicious
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
