need another drink. this is the easiest way
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
