I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
40s are totally the cure
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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