If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
