I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
