I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Let's get the cat blown out
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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