You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
