when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
