R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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