i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you traded sex for a burrito?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
