He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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