my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Randomize
