So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
