Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
