New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize