dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
