So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
