Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
