remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
