worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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