i may or may not be watching the land before time
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
