Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
