Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
