you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
