you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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