woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
