"it" just moved
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
