I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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