I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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