One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
