Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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