Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
