They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
