if only i could text you this smell
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
