So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
