I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
