I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
