tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He did a backflip because drugs
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
