If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
