My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
