Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
