sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
