You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
