My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
