I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just invented taco cereal.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
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